Kittystyle
by Funseeker
Summary: Innocent, despite the title; Filch’s cat Mrs. Norris gets pregnant with Hermione’s Crookshanks. Plenty of humor, also starring McGonagall, Snape, Fred & George Weasley, Peeves, …
1. Cats' Serenade

**Cats' Serenade **

She almost fell asleep when she heard cat's mating concert – and honouring her, the old maid!

»Who am I, not to obey the call of destiny!« Mrs. Norris thought, following the model of _crystal ball_ Trelawney and crept silently towards the conqueror of her heart.

Soon there was two-voiced mewing heard on the coridors.

Hermione was rolling on the bed angrily, listening to Parvati's and Lavender's giggling. The gossip-girls were shrieking that loudly that she couldn't hear what was going on with her kitty. Lucky him, though his task wasn't easy. He had to try hard to gain Mrs. Noriss' favours. Apparently he cared lots for that scrawny, old, vicious and sneaky cat with bloodshot eyes.

She woke up because of high-pitched squealing. This time it was Crookshanks, not her two childish room-mates. He was totally beaten-up, with frayed ear, bitten neck and bloody snout.

Hermione took him to her arms and went to the hospital wing: 'Good day, Madam Pomfrey ...'

'You should have better said good morning! What is again?'

'My kitty got into a fight,' Hermione misinterpreted love-bites, 'look at the poor thing, how he looks like ...'

'Show! Ah, that's nothing.' Crookshanks didn't agree with the matron, for he wanted to jump out of his (frayed) skin already when she was disinfecting.

Madam Pomfrey healed his war-wounds in a minute and inculcate in Hermione's mind not to leave her cat unsupervised. Hermione obeyed that advice. She borrowed the Sneakoscope from Harry, but for the night she switched off the whistling.

Shaking woke her up and she undertook Crookshank's path, who sneaked out of warm and safe bed in desire fot Mrs. Norris. This time Hermione caught him mewing on the roof together with Filch's monster.

For the life of her, Hermione couldn't understand why Crookshanks was competing for such a scarecrow. Hermione didn't know how elegantly this excuse for a cat can lick her fur.

As always she respected privacy and drew back. But the retire to Gryffindor tower was unlucky. On the corridor she met Professor Snape, who as by design always appeared there, where he could make Gryffindors' life most miserable. He didn't even let her speak: 'Silence, Granger! Have you got no shame to roam the school – I shall take twenty points from Gryffindor! No, I shall not tolerate no excuse-'

'But I only went to fetch my kitty-'

'I know perfectly well what your kitty is doing! Your monster shall be punished, you too, of course, only more severely! How dare you let out this rascal so he can prowl the school at night and attack innocent little animals!'

'Mrs. Norris is no innocent little animal but a real butcher! Madam Pomfrey will tell you what mess she made out of my kitty yesterday!'

'If so, off to the hospital wing!' he let Hermione go first, but this gentleman-like gesture was accompanied with a sinister swish of his cloak.

Madam Pomfrey kindly explained to Snape: 'Severus, but this is the very nature of cats, now it's yet their mating season – such accidents are perfectly normal.'

'I SHALL RIP OFF HIS EARS, TAIL AND EVERYTHING ELSE!' Filch stormed into the Great Hall. In between tears he was roaring with rage: 'That criminal bastard has made my kitty bear young! When he gets into my hands, I will beat him like doormat! Cursed, wicked, scabby, foul creature! That brat shall be responsible for it! I shall hang her by ankles under the ceiling-' Students were roaring with laughter and everyone thought in their own way Filch and his cat deserved such punishment.

'Argus, calm down, will you,' the Headmaster interrupted his howling.

'What – to calm down! Do you know, what that criminal cat has done! He's after my kitty!' The Hall would explode with laughter. Only the Headmaster, his assistant McGonagall, the always-dark-looking Snape and of course the criminal cat's owner could remain serious. Snape, however, whispered something into Filch's ear and smiled cruelly.

In the middle of confusion McGonagall fired some explosions to establish silence. Dumbledore asked the caretaker: 'Argus, have you seen _precisely_ which cat is guilty of that catastrophe?'

'Noooo, there's always murky in my office,' he whined and added combatively: 'Anyways, I managed to kick him!' When Hermione heard the word _kick_, she jumped up and crashed her head into the table (before she was very busy with her shoelace). She repeated indignantly: 'You kicked him? That's animal torture ...!' Filch pointed his finger at her and yelled: 'Now I know! This brat has set her monster upon my kitty!'

'I haven't set him upon anything,' she defended herself energetically but it wasn't enough. She looked defiantly at Snape and muttered offendedly: 'This should be denouced – as for me, anyone who kicks a kitty, deserves ...' From this mantra McGonagall interrupted her: 'Hermione! Where is your cat? Go check immediatelly!'

'I'm on my way, Professor!'

When there was heard the calling: 'Crookshanks, my kitty, come to mummy!' the students started laughing again, but Hermione didn't hear them. She was so absorbed in searching for her kitty that she didn't notice even the advancing poltergeist: 'Mister Filch is, as one may hear, pretty upset,' he giggled contentedly but enviously at the same time, for _to enrage Filch_ was his domain. 'Do you have a hand in this crime?' Peeves imitated McGonagall.

'I could have a chat with Baron about your attitude,' she threatened him. A mention of Bloody baron was enough that Peeves whistled away. He made a few loopings in the air and mewed cat's mating concert from safe distance.

Although enraged, Hermione ignored him because she wanted to find Crookshanks as soon as possible and to whitewash him of any guilt.

Apart from a few scratches he looked in perfect health, _capable of criminal deed_, as Filch would have said. She shut him in her room and reported in the Hall that Crookshanks has been in her room for whole night but poor kitty was so quiet she didn't notice him at all.

During her report the vividly orange cat was sharpening his claws. He's made quite a mess out of crimson rug. As long as everything was in Gryffindor shiny colours, it was allright!

In words of her favourite student McGonagall subtly perceived traces of guilt so she decided to investigate further. When the time is convenient, she shall interrogate Crookshanks – in kittystyle, of course.

Her schoolmates congratulated to Hermione because her Crookshanks has made so much trouble and drove Filch to the brink of despair. She was advocating him fervently, although silently she suspected him, too. He's always been a true Casanova-cat.

Also the happy father of the coming kittens was very proud of himself and his achievment. But he better didn't show it in public for every day he was being more terrorized, proportionally with the growth of Mrs. Norris' belly (a neccessary note for the not informed: cat pregnancy lasts approximatelly nine weeks).

In staffroom Professors mostly tried to inspire Filch with optimism: 'Think how joyful your office will be! Little kitties will turn it upside down!' squealed Professor Flitwick enthusiastically.

'Cats' tomboyishness increases to the third power of their number,' Professor Vector agreed, 'I read it in the last issue of _Numerological Journal_.'

'You won't find a single rat in your dungeon anymore,' McGonagall was pragmatic.

'I shall personally inscribe this joyful event into _Hogwarts: A History_,' Dumbledore earnestly nodded at him and winked at McGonagall. He wanted to add also _in golden letters_ but he took pity on Filch.

Espacially Hagrid, fancier of monsters of any kind, was very glad to hear the news: 'Twas bout time! Her bio-clock is ticking, 'ts good that Mrs. Norris still could be tha' fit …!' Filch did not have any comment to such insolence, but Hagrid didn't mind. Monsters (a category that undoubtedly included Mrs. Norris) were his favourite animals and he was looking forward to the youngsters. At the beginning it was possible for Snape to console his low-spirited friend that it was all about false alarm but Snape's mouth were shut by Mrs. Norris corpulence. He also tried with a thesis about fake pregnancy but Madam Pomfrey quickly overthrew this thesis. All the ado about the coming litter couldn't possibly cheer Filch up.

Out of sympathy for Filch, Snapa was in even worse mood than usually. During Potions he was consequently enraged and pedantic, but yet, Hermione's both theoretical and experimental work was always flawless!

Cheerful Hufflepuff gang in the corner was guessing, if Mrs. Norris shall be named Mrs. Crookshanks from now on. They were even collecting bets. Hermione marched up to them and explained: 'I don't know why are you interested in such nonsense guessing. Not it's the cats' mating season and I'm very much aware of that. I've been shutting up my Crookshanks all this time and I'd never let him tramp around the school. One must discipline oneself ...'

'It's cool,' Ron dragged her away from Hufflepuff gamblers, 'they've got it. Just you don't get a joke.' All the same, Hermione was still worried, what discredit Filch has brought upon her good kitty.


	2. Under Filchs Mattock

**Under Filch's Mattock**

Crookshanks' sneaky movements around Hogwarts have become part of everyday life. Also Filch the caretaker knew it and was constantly shadowing him. Not to be heard, Filch was very inventive; he even glued felt on the soles of his slipshod shoes.

To bring more life into his passive sacred mission, Filch was on the lurk behind the most marked corners, decided he'd show the _local tom-cat_! »For my kitty's honour I shall fight till my last breath!«

He was woken up from theese pugnacious thoughts by McGonagall: 'Come on, Argus, for Merlin's sake! I know you're waiting for the cat – but, have you thought about me at all?' He looked at her in surprise but soon he understood this was no confession of love. Professor continued in stricter voice: 'Me too, I can transform myself into a cat and maybe I'd also like to take a walk in this form. Would you like to have me on your conscience?' Horrified, Filch dropped his shovel: 'H-haven't even t-thought ab-bout it, I – I swear …'

'I know you were thinking only about Mrs. Norris' honour.'

'Of course, what else if not my sweet kitty!' he sniffed.

'If you don't stop lurking around the corners, I shall be obliged to inform Dumbledore, you know. As I have said, you could have hit an innocent by mistake. Well, go, have a tea, to calm yourself.' As soon she turned her back on him, Filch got a flat flask out of his pocket; uncomparably better for the nerves than tea. After a few sweeping swigs he decided to give up shovel-equipped lurking in the castle corridors. He rather switched from shovel to hoe and moved out to the garden. There it shall be warmer for his rheumatic bones and just too bright for his bleary eyes, but he would at least sooner spot the criminal cat.

Harrowing the vegetable patches was normally Hagrid's work. Althought Filch wasn't on very good terms with him, he set to this humiliating work with hard will on his own initiative. All in Mrs. Norris' honor! From time to time Filch felt a bitter tear to slip on the earth.

Hermione wasn't aware of Filch's intentions; had she been, she would have hit him with a shovel. But ignorant, she was having vernal thoughts: »Mrs. Norris shall have young soon and then I'll have to be a midwife for punishment.«

McGonagall was obviously on the same frequency. She has thought of the same duty for original punishment. The day of delivery was getting closer fast and Filch has already taken all the necessary measures to make his cat's situation easier. As he was spending a considerable amount of time on the vegetable patches for before mentioned reasons, he had also picked some vegetables so mummy could eat healthy food.

Also Mrs. Norris was prepairing the last details. Equipping her nest she collected also tinseled neckerchief that belonged to Professor Trelawney.

The suspects were, in order of suspicion, Mrs. Norris, Filch, and somewhere far behind, Hermione, who stole only at special occasions and from special stores – Snape's store, for example. Although Professor Trelawney must have foreseen the disappearance of her neckcloth, she took pity on Mrs. Norris and made a silent conclusion it was about time – she had to bring fresh air into her glittering wardrobe.

After the dinner totally excited Filch ran to Dumbledore. Out of his breath, he could hardly tell: 'It's about to begin!'

'Well, Argus, feel free to leave. It would be such a pity to miss that magnificent moment. As for fathernity leave, we have already agreed upon that issue.'

'Fathernity leave?' Snape gave a cough, 'we must draw the line somewhere …'

'Please, Severus, not now. You do know how much Mrs. Norris means to him.' Then the Headmaster stood up and yelled that he was heard all across the Great Hall: 'Miss Granger, come here immediatelly!'

Dumbledore told the owner of the tom-cat: 'Well, look that you help hardworkingly and clean everything up. You are entrusted with this work only because you like cats.'

She was dismissed with Filch to go to his office. In the wardrobe, in which there were more moths than clothes, Mrs. Norris had arranged her nest.

'She crawled in here right after the lunch and she just won't come out of her private chambers,' explained Filch, as if the lady in question was a part of high society and not an old cat in worm-eaten wardrobe. Hermione insisted that the wardrobe should be closed because poking into her privacy would only scare Mrs. Norris.

Hermione noticed that Filch's bed was done in a strange cat-like fashion while his fleebag was lying on the floor. Because he, being a gentleman, gave his bed to the expectant cat, he got worse rheumatism than usually. Filch noticed her look and snarled in whining voice: 'You see, your careless flea-bitten cat commited his crime to my kitty right on my bed! Accursed furball has no respect at all!'

Hermione was surprised that Filch hasn't mentioned the rack yet, but the future _grandpa_ has gone totally soft while expecting the joyful event; he was even mentioning torture less frequently than in the old days. Now he was just staring at the wardrobe in which Mrs. Norris was kittening. She must have been at pains, at least judging by whimpering meowing. Hermione suggested caesarean section: 'The spell _Sectio cesarea_; I've already practised it on pillows.' (Gryffindor tower was full of feathers lately.) The caretaker gave her a dirty look: 'I know this shall hurt her, my poor kitty!' In the wardrobe there fell deep silence. Hermione took the matter into her own hands and opened the door of the fusty wardrobe. In the dark, there was peacefully lying Mrs. Norris with four kittens of indeterminable colours. They were all still wet but already fighting for better position at mamillas. The scene was too much Filch could bear. In a moment he fainted. When falling on the floor with no grace at all his head hit the wardrobe.

Hermione didn't remember the drawer, labelled _Confiscated and Extremely Dangerous_, but she looked around the room for a wet cloth to wake Filch up. Because it didn't work, she went to the hospital wing to bring some stronger strengthener. But she didn't close the door behind herself. From the nearest dark dungeon and with a mischievous smile, Fred and George charged for the famous drawer.


	3. Lifetime Seizures

**Lifetime Seizures**

The twins were looking around the murky and filthy Filch's office. Old chest of drawers with several ironbound keyholes just stroke the eyes. It was labeled: _Lifetime Seizures_.

They checked if Filch was still lying on the floor and they devoted themselves to the chest of drawers. The last time when they _paid a visit_ to Filch's office, they've amassed quite a few interesting accessories, of which none could beat today's discoveries.

Of course they first took back everything Filch has confiscated from them. They have completely emptied the lowest drawer (confiscated items were stored alphabetically, according to their former owners), which was entirely thiers – full of Weasley twins' jokes.

They opened also one of the higher drawers and just jumped out of excitement. On a tiny booklet with a picture of a dragon on the cover, there it was written the owner's name: _Dumbledore_. The very moment Fred had pocketed the booklet, Filch moaned behind their backs. He was still lying on the floor, groaning and touching the bump on his head. They shut the drawer panically, scuttled off and hoped he might not notice the burglary.

On the stairs they met Hermione and prevented her from informing Filch against them: 'Exploitation of animals for underground activit-'

'Come on, give us a break, we just wanted our stuff back!'

'It was about rightful goal-'

'Shut it now, I'll be quiet, but under one condition: complete silence and calmness in our tower for a weeek – some of us do study, you know!'

'Oh, one week,' George shook his head, 'you demand too much!'

'We are forced to turn down the generous bid,' Fred winked at her and they run wildly upstairs.

Hermione sighed desperately but she decided that day wasn't appropriate for sneaking, if even Filch was merciful. She handed him over the Pick-me-up Potion. Face in his filthy handkerchief, he dismissed her very quickly, and even more affectedly.

The twins were absorbed in their spoils: 'Nobody's perfect – they've even confiscated something from Dumbledore in his early years!'

'We rock that just us, we discover it.'

'This discovery is priceless-'

'When the time comes, we may blackmail him!'

'You know, what I find strange? That Dumbledore didn't demand his book back when he became Headmaster.'

'Some people have firm principles.'

'That might explain it,' shrugged Fred, 'But luckily they have – if not, we'd have never discovered his youthful _principles_!'

'Meanwhile you were gazing at that dragon, I managed to snatch away also this – is it familiar to you?'

'It's not ours,' Fred carefully examined big, soft and most of all unknown parcel that evidently hasn't been opened yet all the time since it was confiscated. It bore their family name, but without name.

'What, if this pack contains dangerous curses and the name on it is just a bait that we'd open it?'

'Everything's possible … In any case it's worth exploring.'

'But now we must work undercover, that we don't make Hermione angry. It'd be extremely annoying to surrender spoilseven before we'd check and study it.'

'Not to mention how annoying it'd be to say goodbye to the toys that have been confiscated from us in our childish days,' Fred continued highflying mockery, 'Daddy'll be so pleased when he hears we have spiritually returned to our youth!'

'Daddy, you say … But that's his writing!' shouted George and tore excitedly the wrapping of the soft package. White cloth showed up. Fred grabbed the wish-card that was lying under the nappies that had waited in vain for Ms. Molly Weasley to read them – or better, still Mrs. Molly Prewett in those times. He read it aloud and they both just couldn't believe: '_Darling, I have found self-washing nappies. I just can't wait to wrap in them our first-born, Bill if a boy or Belinda if a girl. Love, Arthur._ Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' Fred smiled mysteriously.

'It depends. This time mummy won't rebuke us on the Mother's Day!'

'Just the opposite – she'll melt in tears!'

He was right. _Sneaky thieves of lifetime seizures and wicked ware_ earned motherly love by the very same breach of discipline. When Molly got the package, she was beside herself with joy: 'Oh, Arthur, love, already in theese times you've been that thoughtful right from the beginning …!'

The twins got first mother's Howler that didn't yell at them but praised emotionally her two _loving sons_.

Thrilled with their success they were already planning the next plundering expedition into Filch's office: 'We have to inform ourselves, what rules apply to that drawer of those seizures …'

'Exactly – lifetime … Does this apply till Filch's death of till the death of those who were dispossessed of their wonderfully creppy accessories by the system?' George gave a theatrical thought.

'Death to Confiscations – Liberty to the Students!' Lee summed up his thoughts into new rebellious parole. The crisis meeting had to end soon because they were driven out of secret passage by unbearable noise of which the source was Peeves, hitting a tin plate with a spoon.

'Peeves, stop it at once,' the passing McGonagall barked at him, 'Even without your peevish sounds there's enough reasons for a headache – low pressure, for example!'

'I'm only justifying my name – I'm called Peeves, after all!'

'I'd ask you to stop because Mrs. Norris is having many kittens! Haven't you three by chance motivated his annoying behaviour!' she gave a stern look at the troublemakers trio.

'I assure you, Professor, we have not,' Lee saintly replied.

'Believe us or not,' Fred continued in a flattering fashion, 'We are even more annoyed by him that you are.'

'For we are anything but convenient to be a Professor, but you, being a Professor, have nerves of steel,' George curtseyed.

'If you only were this verbose in the essay I gave you for homework,' Professor sighed, 'You do still remember what's for homework?'

'We will consult somebody,' Fred told the truth.


	4. The Sorting

**The Sorting**

Since it was publicly known that Mrs. Norris had four kittens, Filch has become almost the most popular person at Hogwarts. Every house wanted to have their house kitty, that's why the number of criminal offenders sunk below all historical records.

Also Filch has, since he became a _grandpa_, become a totally new person. Loving, we could almost say. With the nail of his little finger he poked out from in between nasal hair a very delicious and juicy boogie of military green colour which he shared with Mrs. Norris so she could produce more thick milk.

Stidents gave Mrs. Norris uncomparably better desserts. That's why she decided to exhibit her young in the Great Hall – that was an event that all school participated.

During the schoolyear the kitties were growing up and their characters became crystallized. It was no more doubt about which house shall adopt which kitty:

Hufflepuff: the she-kitty that burried her excrements into salad patch most hardworkingly.

Gryffindor: the tom-kitty who bravely fought against two fat rats at once.

Ravenclaw: the she-kitty who was most ardent explorer and also climbed the roof from where she neededto be solved. Filch, trying to take a shortcut, rushing to help, got stuck in a chimney.

Slytherin: the tom-kitty who brought and displayed his hunting success and was marching up and down the Great Hall during dinner, a half of dead slow-worm in his teeth.


End file.
